Funny Sayings and Quotes

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
- George Carlin

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- Robin Williams

A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
- George Eliot

I am short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
- Woody Allen

Sex was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
- Woody Allen

We need an energy bill that encourages consumption.
- George Bush

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
- Burt Bacharach

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- Harry S. Truman

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
- Mark Twain

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

I am an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
- Gabor

ARCHITECT is One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
- Ambrose Bierce

I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
- Anonymous

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
- Roseanne

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
- Anonymous

Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.
- Gary Busey

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40 Responses to “Funny Sayings and Quotes”

  1. it suck like butt fudge.

  2. Don’t drink and drive, cause you might hit a bump and spill
    ahah

  3. your just jealous because the voices only talk to me
    not funny at all
    sucks muchly

  4. If u try to fail and succeed which have u done

  5. “”…when i was born, i was so surprised that i didnt talk for a year and a half….”

  6. so funny i forgot to laugh

  7. Strangers have the best candy….

  8. ACHOO!
    sorry, im allergic to BULLSH*T

  9. dont follow my footsteps i walk into walls

  10. When the shit hits the fan,stand underneith with a bucket and try to catch it,and then throw it back towards the shit hiters!

  11. Is it rong to be strong??

  12. 1. say the word PIG before each word.
    pigs
    about
    talking
    idiot
    this
    got
    i
    long
    how
    look

    2. now say PIG before and after the words.

    3. finally, read the words starting from the bottom.

    haha gotcha! XP

  13. these are so cute

  14. I raised my hand…….my teacher called on me…….so i said…….ummmahhhhoooooooaaaaaa………ahhhh that felt good… teacher wait hold ahh I need toliet paper please!

  15. If your parents never had children, chances are you wont either…

    You join the army, go interesting places, meet interesting people, and then… you kill them.

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    I’m a schizophrenic
    And so am I
    ~What about Bob

    When I see a hardcore computer geek, I really want to say, “Go outside, the graphics are great!”

    Dying hurts….

  16. heeey people.
    here’s one that is very funny.

    :
    :
    :
    :
    :
    :
    :
    :
    :
    :
    :
    :
    :
    :
    :

    you are all stupid and jeneva rocks

  17. If Barbie is so popular why do we have to buy her friends?
    I couldn’t fix your brakes so I made your horn loudey!

  18. Why do you call me an Old Fart
    you Fart…
    I don’t call you a Young Fart???

  19. if your afraid open your eyes your in the cupboard love not outside (BASICALLY THEY THINK ITS DARK OUTSIED WHEN ACYTUALLTY THERE IN A CUPBOARD)hahaha!!! BOB!!!

  20. i like it. :] it’s a hahaha.

  21. Don’t drink water, fish have S*X in it.

  22. Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say “are you gonna drink that?”

    Im a nobody.. nobodys perfect.. therefore IM PERFECT!!!

    I didnt kiss ur boyfriend! I told his lips a secret!!

    Lifes not short its the longest bloody thing youll ever do!!!!

    I would stop eating chocolate.. but I’m not a quitter!

  23. I lay in bed one night staring at the stars when i sudden thought occured to me..

    Where the f**k is the ceiling?!

  24. If love was blind, how come it only finds the pretty ones?

  25. dnt hate me cause am fit hate me cause i shaged your boy friend

  26. It may be the early bird that gets the worm. But it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese.

  27. one tequila
    two tequila
    three tequila
    floor.

  28. dont tell me the sky’s the limit when theres footprints on t he moon.

  29. Some ppl say the glass is half empty, some say its half full. I just wanna know who the F**K has been drinking my beer

    WAIT A MIN MAN, i didnt f**k your girlfriend, she was ontop

    Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, check if there r alot of pictures

  30. she says broccoli
    he says carrot
    she says lettuce
    i say CUMBERCUBE!

  31. Im a we todd sofa king we todded
    READ OUT LOUD FAST

  32. I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.

    It’s not r*pe! It’s just an unexpected s*x you didn’t know you wanted. XD

  33. Life is short, but you d*ck is shorter

  34. ur one bout rape is wrong….

    its onli rape for the first 5 minutes coz after that u start to enjoy it!!!!!!!!!

  35. The ground broke my fall…

    My imaginary friend says you have issues

    I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse

    I’m not drunk, i’m just naturally clumsy, stupid, and bad at driving

    when everythings coming your way, your in the wrong f*cking lane!

    Help i’ve fallen and I can’t…. hey! NICE carpet!

    For sale: parchute, only used once, never opened, small stain

    Evening news is where they say “Good Evening” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t

    Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

    Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

    Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
    them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
    telling them to sit down and shut-up.

  36. 4 my next trick i will need a c*ndom and a volunteer

    shit happens… bt mostly 2 me so dont worry

    98% of teens r bringin sexy back… but im the 2% that sexy neva left!

    YOUR MUM! oohh would u like some ice 4 that burn?

    lol jst thought id share em wiv ya :D

  37. I LUV BRADEN ( if u read this braden it wasnt me it was my cat)

  38. ITS NOT RAPE IF YOU YELL SURPRISE!!

  39. i’m like a parking ticket i have FINE written all over me!!

  40. Is that your face or has your ass been misplaced

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