Funny Sayings and Quotes
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
- George Carlin
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- Robin Williams
A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
- George Eliot
I am short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
- Woody Allen
Sex was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
- Woody Allen
We need an energy bill that encourages consumption.
- George Bush
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
- Burt Bacharach
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- Harry S. Truman
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
- Mark Twain
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
I am an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
- Gabor
ARCHITECT is One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
- Ambrose Bierce
I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
- Anonymous
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
- Roseanne
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
- Anonymous
Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.
- Gary Busey
Bowling balls are like whores
you pick them up and finger them
throw them into the gutter
and they come back for more..
An apple a day keeps the docter away
but if the doctors cute screw the fruit.
Your so stupid that you got stabbed in a shoot out..
Studying: take the S-T-U off and it’s just dying.
Don’t hit kids seriously they have guns now!
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Related Quotes
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- New Year Quotes and Sayings
- Scrapbook Quotes and Sayings
- Cool Quotes and Sayings
December 28th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
it suck like butt fudge.
January 30th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Don’t drink and drive, cause you might hit a bump and spill
ahah
January 30th, 2008 at 7:37 am
your just jealous because the voices only talk to me
not funny at all
sucks muchly
February 1st, 2008 at 8:38 pm
If u try to fail and succeed which have u done
February 4th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
“”…when i was born, i was so surprised that i didnt talk for a year and a half….”
February 8th, 2008 at 10:36 am
so funny i forgot to laugh
February 11th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Strangers have the best candy….
February 12th, 2008 at 10:13 am
ACHOO!
sorry, im allergic to BULLSH*T
February 14th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
dont follow my footsteps i walk into walls
February 14th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
When the shit hits the fan,stand underneith with a bucket and try to catch it,and then throw it back towards the shit hiters!
February 16th, 2008 at 4:26 am
Is it rong to be strong??
February 17th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
1. say the word PIG before each word.
pigs
about
talking
idiot
this
got
i
long
how
look
2. now say PIG before and after the words.
3. finally, read the words starting from the bottom.
haha gotcha! XP
February 21st, 2008 at 10:39 am
these are so cute
February 21st, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I raised my hand…….my teacher called on me…….so i said…….ummmahhhhoooooooaaaaaa………ahhhh that felt good… teacher wait hold ahh I need toliet paper please!
February 29th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
If your parents never had children, chances are you wont either…
You join the army, go interesting places, meet interesting people, and then… you kill them.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m a schizophrenic
And so am I
~What about Bob
When I see a hardcore computer geek, I really want to say, “Go outside, the graphics are great!”
Dying hurts….
March 8th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
heeey people.
here’s one that is very funny.
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you are all stupid and jeneva rocks
March 13th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
If Barbie is so popular why do we have to buy her friends?
I couldn’t fix your brakes so I made your horn loudey!
March 13th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Why do you call me an Old Fart
you Fart…
I don’t call you a Young Fart???
March 14th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
if your afraid open your eyes your in the cupboard love not outside (BASICALLY THEY THINK ITS DARK OUTSIED WHEN ACYTUALLTY THERE IN A CUPBOARD)hahaha!!! BOB!!!
March 15th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
i like it. :] it’s a hahaha.
March 22nd, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Don’t drink water, fish have S*X in it.
March 24th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say “are you gonna drink that?”
Im a nobody.. nobodys perfect.. therefore IM PERFECT!!!
I didnt kiss ur boyfriend! I told his lips a secret!!
Ｌifes not short its the longest bloody ｔｈing ｙｏｕll ever do!!!!
I would stop eating chocolate.. but I’m not a quitter!
March 25th, 2008 at 2:31 am
I lay in bed one night staring at the stars when i sudden thought occured to me..
Where the f**k is the ceiling?!
March 26th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
If love was blind, how come it only finds the pretty ones?
March 29th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
dnt hate me cause am fit hate me cause i shaged your boy friend
March 30th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
It may be the early bird that gets the worm. But it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:40 pm
one tequila
two tequila
three tequila
floor.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:41 pm
dont tell me the sky’s the limit when theres footprints on t he moon.
April 1st, 2008 at 9:42 am
Some ppl say the glass is half empty, some say its half full. I just wanna know who the F**K has been drinking my beer
WAIT A MIN MAN, i didnt f**k your girlfriend, she was ontop
Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, check if there r alot of pictures
April 3rd, 2008 at 3:23 pm
she says broccoli
he says carrot
she says lettuce
i say CUMBERCUBE!
April 4th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Im a we todd sofa king we todded
READ OUT LOUD FAST
April 5th, 2008 at 11:40 am
I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.
It’s not r*pe! It’s just an unexpected s*x you didn’t know you wanted. XD
April 5th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Life is short, but you d*ck is shorter
April 7th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
ur one bout rape is wrong….
its onli rape for the first 5 minutes coz after that u start to enjoy it!!!!!!!!!
April 8th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
The ground broke my fall…
My imaginary friend says you have issues
I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse
I’m not drunk, i’m just naturally clumsy, stupid, and bad at driving
when everythings coming your way, your in the wrong f*cking lane!
Help i’ve fallen and I can’t…. hey! NICE carpet!
For sale: parchute, only used once, never opened, small stain
Evening news is where they say “Good Evening” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.
April 13th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
4 my next trick i will need a c*ndom and a volunteer
shit happens… bt mostly 2 me so dont worry
98% of teens r bringin sexy back… but im the 2% that sexy neva left!
YOUR MUM! oohh would u like some ice 4 that burn?
lol jst thought id share em wiv ya
April 20th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
I LUV BRADEN ( if u read this braden it wasnt me it was my cat)
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:28 pm
ITS NOT RAPE IF YOU YELL SURPRISE!!
May 12th, 2008 at 2:11 am
i’m like a parking ticket i have FINE written all over me!!
May 12th, 2008 at 2:12 am
Is that your face or has your ass been misplaced
May 16th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
There was this kid in class. The Teacher told the kid to recite the alphabet.
” ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWYZ
The teacher said where is the p?
the little boy said ” down my pants”
May 17th, 2008 at 3:40 am
Lifes a bitch, so act the pimp and slap her around a little
May 17th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit……Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
Whoever said that nothing is impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.
May 17th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
I thought my attitude was bad …………….That was until I smelt your breath!
—————————–
Have you noticed how all out problems star with MEN:
MENstraul cycle
MENopause
MENtal anxiety
MENstraul cramps and
MENtal breakdown
May 25th, 2008 at 7:05 am
A Woman Only Needs Four Animals In Her Life.
A Mink In Her Closet.
A Jaguar In Her Garage
A Tiger In Her Bed
And A Jackass Who Pays The Bills.
-Paris Hilton-
May 28th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
im impressed! ive neva met annione with such a small brain in such a big head
this goes out to all the dumb ppl on this website
May 28th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
im not as dumb aas you look
are you a parking ticket coz youve got fine writen all over you
its only funny whn i laugh
your mums so dumb she tripped over a cordless fone (haha that ones for kathy)
you can take off the mask now halloweens over. oh wait thats your face !
do you have a face under that make-up?
May 29th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
-When life gives you lemons, squirt them in your enemy’s eyes.
-A wise woman once said: “Men are like a deck of cards. You need:
A heart to love them.
A diamond to marry them.
A club to bash their f***ing head in.
A spade to bury them.
-Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile away with their shoes.
- If you look like your passport picture you need a vacation.
-Don’t get mad, get even.
-When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way!
-Keep smiling: It makes everyone wonder what you’re up to.
-Love your enemies…it pisses them off.
-When one door closes, another one opens waiting to be slammed in your face. (by me)
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Why do they call it PMS? Because mad cow disease was already taken.
June 7th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
read a book dont have s*x
June 8th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Marriage is a relationship in which one is always right, and the other is the husband. =)
-im only 13 but i love that quote
June 11th, 2008 at 4:04 am
this thing is more cooler than getting a frozen yougert ………………………………………………………………………….. nooooooooooooooooooot
June 13th, 2008 at 8:50 am
I took a spork, and broke off the middle prong…
LOOK! MY SPORK THINKS IT”S BATMAN!
June 17th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
doesnt expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
June 20th, 2008 at 11:05 am
A man with his hand in his pants feels cocky!
July 3rd, 2008 at 1:26 pm
written by a primary school child in year 4
“i have everything someone would want”
told to me by my friend Jenna Alansari
“nobody knows the pain an arab teenage girl goes through, i mean we are born with a pelt!”
“im not a chav! im football casual!!” “what rather than football formal?”
July 10th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
help ive fallen and i cant . . . . .oh nice carpet !
July 11th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
your mama so fat that when she went to school she sat next to everybody.
July 25th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Who really took the bite out of the Apple logo?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
August 5th, 2008 at 7:59 am
lol! this is rlly funny!!! cool quotes guys!
– i didn’t say it was ur fault, i said that i was gonna blame u!–
August 5th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Unless it’s nightime.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:24 am
need a saying for some of our invites inviting people to ceremony only not recption due to limited numbers and also gift registry for money only. thanks. regards michelle
September 25th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
lolz
when life gives you lemons find someone whos life gave them tequila and have a party.
October 2nd, 2008 at 5:27 pm
a balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
October 4th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
There’s always light at he end of the tunnel, Just pray it’s not a train.
October 5th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
If you can’t explain something to someone ,confuse themwith your bullshit!
lol
October 5th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
i got another one!
i read a book about how to read.
lol
October 6th, 2008 at 8:28 am
1. Im your homework, do me on your desk
2. It said wet floor so i did!
LOL if u think theyre funny copy and paste them!
October 13th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
i dont have a drink problem i know how 2 drink
October 14th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
i swear im not under the afluence of incahol!!
October 17th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
October 27th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Artificial intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
October 31st, 2008 at 11:18 am
I’m a lover not i fighter but ill fight for what i love
November 5th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Things come to those who no longer want them.
November 8th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I’ll turn tricks for treats!!!
November 12th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
if you touch me again im just going to have to ask you for your number…
November 14th, 2008 at 2:56 am
Save a tree. Cut down the other one.
November 14th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
sme of these be really cool…….
if you are there and i am here……. then why arent you in my bed?
hey dude chill, i didnt f*ck your girl, she went on top, and she f*cked me senseless
November 16th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
studying–
its the words “student” and “dying” put together.
November 19th, 2008 at 2:51 am
save the wales, eat the chinese
November 20th, 2008 at 8:40 am
Some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything but to bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Never question Chuck Norris.
November 29th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
girls say its good boys say its fine but after 9 mounts they say its not mine
November 30th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Be nice to your kids, they choose your retierment home
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Love is like watching a movie over and over. I happens the same each and every time
December 4th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Grab everything in life you van get, especially good shoes!!! lol
December 7th, 2008 at 11:08 am
jealousy is a sickness get well soon!
December 13th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
When life gives you lemons squirt it in someones eyes and haul a$$
I called you boyfriend gay and he slapped me with HIS purse
December 13th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
A friend is like a parachute
If its not there the first time you need it
chances are it wont be there the second time you need it
I read A book on how to read!
Brunett: I was listening to Eminem last night.
Blonde: O my gosh! you listned to CANDY!??!?
December 17th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
I saw elvis today. He sat between and Bigfoot on the ufo.
December 19th, 2008 at 6:48 am
“Don’t let the shoe hit you on the way out.”
December 21st, 2008 at 12:00 pm
plz god let me win the lottry 2 prove it wont change me
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:14 pm
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONDS YOU MAKE ORANGE JUCIE THEN LEAVE THE WORLD WONDERING HOW YOU DID IT!!! LOL!!!!
IF YOU LOVE IT COPY IT AND PASTE IT!!!!!!!!
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Im lost. Ive gone to look for myself. If i should return before i get back, please ask me to wait.
December 24th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
When life hands you lemons, throw ‘em back and ask for chocolate!
December 25th, 2008 at 1:42 am
God is a thing, who can do anything…
December 25th, 2008 at 1:44 am
Don’t go out, police are attacking monkeys…
December 25th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
i may be wierd but at least im not a snooty with a booty
December 28th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
The faster I get at using this computer, the slower I get at living life!?!?
December 28th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Now that I figured out how to make this computer pay the bills, I am living life in the fast Lane.!.
December 29th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
i didnt say u did anything…i said u were getting the blame
blasting music trying to wake the neighbors … if i dnt answer its bc they called the cops
peace love and… SPONGEBOB!
O THERE U ARE PETER! -HOOK-
1. i am the bomb
2. i am the bomb
3. i am the bomb
December 30th, 2008 at 11:56 am
i love the one that says When life hands you lemons, throw ‘em back and ask for chocolate! its so funny